My depression has slowly crept back into my life. It’s been a battle kicking it’s ass out the door.
My motivation has been almost obsolete. The energy that I have goes directly to entertaining and caring for my boys. It’s ridiculously hard, but I push through the day, for them. However, in the back of my mind, I’m wishing to lay down and sleep. Sleep. Sleep. And a little more sleep. It tugs at me all day. All I want to do is push the pressure away and accomplish something, anything. I mopped the floors yesterday. Today, I went to the store and bought milk. How sad, that those moments are accomplishments? A month ago, I wouldn’t be obsessing and fearing about simply tasks. But, that’s where I am today. It’s not that I’m scared, necessarily, but stuck. My mind is on overdrive, listing task and activities that I need to do or want to do. But, physically, I can’t move.
I know how to fix this. To get up. To get out. To simply do what comes to mind. Yet, I’m bound by an invisible rope. I’m tugging and tugging hard. I know with each tug, the rope is loosening. The problem is reminding myself that this is a struggle and not to give up. That it’s a phase that you’ve battle many times before and conquered. That negative thoughts (Why do I have depression? Why can’t I do this simple task? Why is it so easy to simply give up?) will do nothing but bound that rope tighter. I can’t hate myself for this disease. Yes, I know that many out there will fight about the fact that it’s not a disease or it is easy to move past it, just do it. I have to acknowledge it and work hard at moving it out of my life. I have to stop comparing my life to others. I can’t help that my life isn’t full of activities, social dates, get-togethers, and adventure. Okay, so my life is simple. There isn’t much to do outside of keeping up with the house and raising my boys. Wait … did I say life isn’t much outside of raising my boys? That’s plenty of life. And, I have to remember that. Yeah, we don’t have the money to go to the zoo or museum this week, but there is a world of adventure as soon as we walk outside. It’s okay that my life is simplistic but it can be great with each moment with my kids, even if its just reading a book or putting a puzzle together. I have to remember that. It’s okay. It will be okay.